When I think of empathic people, middle schoolers are not the first people that come to mind. However, a group of researchers asked middle school students how they experience empathy and discovered that they have an interesting process for empathy to teach us.

When asked about empathy, middle school students spoke about “preparing to empathize.” The middle school students in this study knew intuitively that listening represents the best preparation for sharing empathy. They spoke of listening to understand, not “fix” or minimize or “one-up” the other person. They simply listened to understand more deeply and that set them up to empathize. How wise is that? They listened well enough to say, “I see how you could feel like that.” They focused on listening in a way that allowed them to be present, supportive, and understanding, verbally and nonverbally. It’s a good lesson for all of us to learn.

Middle school students also spoke of “cognitive and emotional empathy” (without calling it that of course). They knew they could empathize because they had gone through similar experiences in their life. They understood cognitively what that experience felt like because they, too, had a similar experience. Emotionally they could generalize their experience enough to realize what their friend may have felt. That’s pretty insightful on its own, but they went a step further.

Based on this “cognitive and emotional empathy,” they engaged in “prosocial behaviors” like “walking through a situation” with their friend just to “be there to support them” in the difficult times. They not only validated their friends’ feelings, but they remained present with them “through the feelings.” They walked them through the feelings with their friend while exploring alternative ways to manage the situation. And they supported their friends with their presence throughout the entire experience. What a tremendous sign of friendship and empathy. What a wonderful model for all of us to emulate.

Maybe we could all learn to practice greater empathy from these middle school students. To do so, we need to follow their example.

1. Prepare to be empathetic by listening to understand. Listening deeply with the goal of understanding how the situation is impacting the other person emotionally.
2. Recall similar experiences you have had, not to bring them up but to allow yourself to understand their experience on a deeper level through your similar experience. This will increase your empathy.
3. Finally, engage in practical, concrete actions of empathy. Validate the other person’s emotions. Stay with them in the feelings, especially in the difficult feelings. Remain present with them throughout the difficult situation, supporting them as they manage the emotional struggle.

Ironically, as we do this for our children, they will learn from our modeling of this empathy (just as we are learning from the modeling of the middle school students in this study). Then, as situations arise, we can coach our children in how to practice empathy with their friends and siblings. We can also “coach them” in empathy by discussing examples in the news, in books we read together, or in movies we watch together.

One final note. By practicing these three actions of empathy we will build a stronger relationship with our children. That relationship will empower them to practice empathy more readily.

All in all, it’s an amazing lesson learned about empathy from middle school students. Maybe we’ve underestimated the wisdom middle school students have to offer. I think so. Maybe we’d all be better off if we started listening to our middle school students. In fact, the world might just be a better place for all of us.