Every parent will experience frustration and anger in the process of raising their children. They will likely raise their voice, even yell, on occasion. It happens to all of us. But we do not want that to be the typical interaction, the pattern. We don’t want yelling to become the norm. Why? The simple answer is that it doesn’t work in the long run. In fact, it results in the opposite of what we want for our children. But let me share a more complete answer.

• Yelling reveals a parent struggling to manage their own emotions in an effective manner. The yelling parent is upset enough that they are not thinking clearly. They are in a reaction mode rather than a responding mode. Frustration, anger, and stress have overtaken their thinking brain. They are simply reacting to a concern rather than addressing a concern in a manner that may lead to a more positive resolution and learning.
• Yelling at our children teaches our children to manage their emotions by yelling as well. Children learn by modeling even more than they learn from instruction. When parents model yelling, they are not learning positive emotional regulation skills. In fact, you may find your child yelling more if you yell at them frequently.
• Yelling shuts down the learning centers of our children’s brains. When a parent yells at their child, it arouses their child’s fear. It hinders their sense of security. Not feeling secure and having their fear aroused, they enter into the “fight or flight” mode. In the “fight-or-flight” mode, our children can only think about self-protection. Their ability to gain beneficial learnings and to process helpful information is dramatically hindered.
• Yelling at children interferes with their sense of value and worth. When a parent yells at a child, the child begins to question their capabilities. They may experience a growing sense of inadequacy. They might even question whether their parent accepts them. All of this can contribute to the following…
• Yelling may increase a child’s anxiety. Children who are frequently yelled at exhibit a higher rate of anxiety and depression than those whose parents do not yell at them. Yelling disconnects a parent from their child, increasing the child’s feeling of isolation and helplessness. This, in turn, can increase anxiety and depression.
• Yelling can increase the negative behaviors parents want to reduce. The disconnect created by yelling may lead some children to engage in more defiant, defensive behavior. They may further separate from their parent by engaging in more rebellious behaviors. Studies suggest that yelling increases the risk of poor academic achievement, behavioral problems, and delinquent behaviors.

So, what can you do instead of yelling at your children? Here are a couple of ideas to get you started on a different path.

• First, learn to effectively manage your own emotions. Parents need to remain the stronger person, the person regulating their emotion in a healthy manner, even in a difficult situation. Doing so will model effective emotional regulation skills for your child and open the door to use moments of frustration and anger as an opportunity to teach and to build intimacy. Learn to manage your own emotions.
• Take a breath and ask questions of yourself. Take the time to assure your perspective of what happened is realistic and as accurate as possible, not just a reaction to the emotions aroused. What is really triggering your frustration, stress, or anger? Is it truly a defiant misbehavior or simply an expression of their current developmental level? (For instance, it’s developmentally inappropriate to expect an average 2-year-old to sit still for half an hour in a restaurant waiting for food.) Did your child act with intention or was it an accident? (Spilling a drink or knocking a vase over is an accident.) Are my expectations too high? You get the idea. Consider the situation before you respond.
• Understand the situation and context of the behavior from your child’s perspective. What was the intent of my child’s behavior? Was this behavior unusual for them or has it become a pattern? What emotion were they experiencing when they engaged in the behavior? What do I believe my child needs to learn at this time? There are more questions you can ask, but this is a start.

Yelling backfires. It may show some short-term effectiveness, but in the long-term it’s ineffective and even harmful. With that in mind, slow down. Think. Then lovingly respond to discipline your child when needed.