It’s true. Mothers and fathers often have different ideas about raising children. They come to the parenting relationship with different styles and even different priorities, all of which can be negotiated through discussions and compromise.  In fact, it’s important to work out those differences because how one parent sees the other parent’s level of cooperation and competence has a huge impact on their child’s behavior and future social relations.  

A study out of The Ohio State University revealed that the way parents viewed their coparent played a crucial role in the behavioral and social adjustment of their children. This study involved 2,915 low-income couples with children under 5-years-old and living in one of seven U.S. states. At the start of the study, parents were asked how they related to one another as parents. In other words, they were asked about their coparenting relationship. Their answers led the research team to separate them into four groups:

• Group 1: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “highly positive.” This group made up 43% of the total.
• Group 2: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “moderately positive,” but the mothers were less positive about the father’s parenting. This group made up 32% of the total.
• Group 3: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “moderately positive,” but the fathers were less positive about the mother’s parenting. This group comprised 16% of the total.
• Group 4: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as being of “low quality.” Fortunately, this group comprised only 9% of the total.

Eighteen months later, the parents were asked to rate their children’s behavioral adjustment and social competence.  Not surprisingly, the children of parents who both reported having a “highly positive” coparenting relationship (Group 1) showed the best adjustment. They exhibited the fewest behavioral problems and the highest level of social competence.  Group 2 also showed a high level of adjustment—fewer behavioral problems and greater social competence.

The final two groups showed the lowest levels of adjustment. Interesting, a father’s negative perception of the mother’s coparenting (Group 3) had a greater negative impact on children’s behavior and social competence than a mother’s negative perception of a father’s coparenting (Group 2). Of course, when both parents reported a poor coparenting relationship, the children struggled the most with behavioral adjustment and social competence.

With this in mind, if you want your child to have fewer behavioral problems and greater social competence, focus on nurturing a strong coparenting relationship with their other parent.

• Accept differences. You will have different ideas and styles than your children’s other parent. Most of those differences will be minor. For instance, fathers tend to engage in more rough and tumble play. Mothers tend to offer more nurturance. Fathers encourage “shaking it off.” Mothers tend to comfort first. In my marriage, I tend to be the one willing to get dessert or a special treat as part of our “get together.” My wife enjoys a more interactive engagement without food. Accept those differences. Allow the other parent the freedom to parent slightly differently than you.
• Discuss and negotiate aspects you deem most important. You will discover some areas of parental responsibility that you believe essential. Talk with the other parent about those areas of parenting. Explain your reasons and your concerns. Negotiate. Listen. Compromise.
• Provide opportunities for your child to connect with their other parent. Let both parents enjoy one-on-one time with each child as well as periods of time in which each parent has sole responsibility for all the children. We not only connect through the fun experiences but through the daily chores of parenting—changing diapers, doing household chores together, engaging in activities together, and even running errands together.
• Never “bad mouth” your child’s other parent. No name-calling, undermining, or demeaning. Encourage your children to respect and honor their other parent through your example as well as your instruction.
• Keep your child’s other parent up-to-date. Communicate appointments and activities. Share information about physical changes or needs, friends, and community involvement.
• Disagree in private. You will inevitably have disagreements with the other parent. When you do, wait until you are alone with them before discussing the disagreement. Ask them about their perception, intent, and motive rather than jumping to a negative assumption. After hearing their intent and motives, explain your concerns. Listen. Negotiate. Compromise.
• Discipline together. Don’t leave the discipline to one parent. Both parents need to assist in discipline. Support one another in discipline. If you disagree, disagree in private. Your children will benefit from seeing you and their other parent working together for their good.
• Communicate. Listen. Express yourself. Listen. Communicate.

These practices will help you nurture a positive relationship with your children’s other parent. That strong coparenting relationship will help decrease your children’s behavioral problems. It will also increase their social competence. Those two outcomes are well worth nurturing a positive coparenting relationship.