As New Year’s Day approached, I thought about the past year and the coming year, what I accomplished during 2010 and what I hope to accomplish over 2011. (I used to make resolutions…until I made the resolution to make no resolution, which, by the way, is the only resolution I have ever kept.) After reviewing and dreaming, I develop yearly goals for several areas of my life including family. This year, I recruited members of my family to help me develop goals related to family. I approached my wife and children to ask them a few questions–10 questions for my children and 11 for my wife (spouse). At first, they thought I was off my rocker, but they still answered them. Their answers helped me discover areas of weakness, areas of strength, and directions for next year. Some questions made me nervous to ask. Others were a lot of fun. Let me share these questions and the reason for each question with you.

• The first four questions reveal the priorities and values that our daily actions communicate to our children. They let us know if we live a life that says, “Follow my example” or a life that says, “Do as I say but not as I do.”
  • When you watch me, what do you think my top three priorities are? What do you think I value most in life? (My youngest daughter placed food in my top three priorities–what’s that tell you about me?)
  • What makes me really happy? 
  • What is my favorite thing to do?
  • What is something I always say to you?

• The next four questions ask about our behavior in relationship to our children. They elicit how our behavior impacts our children and our relationship with our children. These questions inform us of how our children see themselves through our eyes, their level of worth mirrored in our actions toward them.
  • What did I do over the last year that made you feel important to me?
  • What did I do over the last year that brought out the best in you?
  • What did I do that made you proud to say that I am your father?
  • What do I do that makes you laugh?

• The last two questions may be the hardest to ask. One forces us to look at times we may have hurt our children, either with full knowledge or unintentionally. The answer to this question, although potentially hard to hear and accept, allows us to make repairs to the relationship. The last question teaches us what our children desire most from us. It helps us learn what we can do to make our children feel more loved and accepted. 
  • Did I do anything over the last year that hurt you? If so, what did I do?
  • What can I do over the next year to make you feel more loved?

• Once again, the first two questions, reveal what priorities and values our daily actions communicate to our spouse. These questions help us to know whether our practical values (those we act upon in our daily life) match the values we profess. The last question allows us the opportunity to repair (through discussion or apology) any breech in the relationship that we may have produced.
  • When you watch me, what do you think my top three priorities are? What do you think I value most in life?
  • Do I say “I love you” often enough? What behaviors really let you know that I love you?
  • Did I do anything over the last year that hurt you? If so, what did I do?

• We want to bring out the best in our spouse–emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. These questions elicit how our behavior impacts our spouse’s emotions and sense of self. They reveal what behaviors actually do bring out the best in our spouse.
  • What did I do over the last year that made you feel important to me?
  • What did I do over the last year that brought out the best in you?
  • What did I do that made you proud to say that I am your husband?
  • What have I done that brings joy into your life and makes you laugh? What can I do to bring more joy and laughter into your life?

• Of course, we want to increase the behaviors that make our spouse feel important, behaviors that bring out the best in our spouse. These questions do just that.
  • What could I do over the next year to make you feel more important to me, loved by me?
  • What could I do over the next year to bring out the best in you and help you accomplish your goals?
  • What attribute would you like me to work on and develop?
  • What mutual goal would you like us to accomplish?