Forgiveness is one of the necessary ingredients for a healthy marriage. It is also a hallmark of a healthy parent-child relationship and a crucial component of any healthy community. A lack of forgiveness, on the other hand, devastates relationships and it ripples out to impact so much more than just the relationship between the offended and the perceived offender. Not forgiving that “one person,” sends ripples of pain and mistrust into every relationship. In fact, without forgiveness families find themselves disconnected, separated by walls of bitterness and resentment. For instance, the bitterness and resentment one harbors toward a parent will overflow into their relationship with their spouse and their coworkers. Without forgiveness, whole communities of people can find themselves wandering through a labyrinth of bitter ruminations that fuel resentment, hate, and violence.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, offers healing of self and relationships. It empowers us to move beyond a painful experience toward social connection in an energized, motivated, and connected manner. Forgiveness impacts us deeply, beginning its work on a neurological level that flows into our daily activities and relationships.  In fact, research has identified three main brain systems that become activated when we practice forgiveness.

• One brain system impacted by forgiveness includes the pathways involved in empathy and perspective taking, understanding emotional meaning, and adding context to an experience. These areas allow us to “feel with other people,” sense their emotions, and imagine their feeling-related thoughts. They allow us to understand our own emotional experience as well as the emotional experience of others. To us a cliché, they allow us to “put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.” Bitterness and resentment hinder these systems, cutting us off from other people’s emotions and even our own emotions (other than the resentment we harbor). Forgiveness activates these areas, allowing us to “see the situation” even from the perspective of the one who offended us.
• Another brain system activated by forgiveness involves “reinterpreting information about ourselves, other people, and the world in a way that speeds up our recovery from distress and restores calm and contentment.” This system assists us in evaluating a situation in order to reach a greater understanding that will allow us to effectively cope with the situation rather than getting stuck in a spiral of despair, a labyrinth of resentment. In the context of forgiveness, this system allows us to focus on well-being and belonging, reframing past offenses in a way that will foster greater learning and growth.
• A third brain system activated by forgiveness helps us make decisions, prioritizing between options and their potential outcomes. This system helps us keep our core values and goals in the forefront of our minds and our actions. It moves us to invest in finding self-relief rather than remaining in the stress inducing rumination of resentment. It points us toward taking action to change things for the better rather than harboring “emotionally toxic hostility” toward someone’s past actions. It encourages us to seek internal and relational peace.

By activating these three brain systems—systems that equip us to empathize, take another person’s perspective, cope with difficult emotional experiences, and stay tuned in to our core values—forgiveness strengthens our ability to learn and grow, improving our well-being in diverse circumstances. A lack of forgiveness hinders these brain areas, leaving us emotionally impoverished, disconnected from the full breadth of our emotional experiences, and potentially outside of our core values and goals. Overall, the world will be a better place when forgiveness is the norm. We can do our part in moving toward a society in which forgiveness is the norm by practicing it in our families and teaching our children to do the same. After all, a family in which forgiveness is the norm offers a little taste of heaven on earth.