The green dragon opened one eye before quickly raising his head. He sniffed the air as his eyes darted around the room. Something was amiss. Something posed a threat to the relationship that the dragon jealously guarded. He nudges his master, even blows a little smoke in his direction. His master now has a choice: kill the messenger or listen.

It’s easy to kill the messenger, rationalize or justify whatever aroused the alarm, and push it into the dark abyss of conflict avoidance. But dragons of jealousy are not so easily killed. Left unaddressed, they grow more vigilant, jump to conclusions, and potentially strike a deadly blow from the blindness of misperception. No, it does no good to kill the messenger or avoid the messenger.

Instead, take a moment to listen. What exactly has aroused the sleeping dragon of jealousy? What fear woke him? Was subtle nuance did you perceive, real or not, that caused him to get up from his slumber?  Somewhere in the listening, you will recognize the message of feeling threatened. Something or someone posed a threat to your relationship…maybe not an objective threat, but at least a perceived threat. Listen carefully and accept the message, but don’t stop there. Now comes the most important step: acting on the message.

1. Take stock of your responsibility to your relationship. Have you invested in your relationship? Have you nurtured it? Or has busyness and other interests distracted you and moved your relationship to a back burner in your life? Perhaps the fear that has aroused the dragon of jealousy is nudging you to take time to nurture your relationship, to move your relationship back to its proper priority in your life. Take time to confirm your relationship as a top priority in your schedule and your life. Plan to invest in and nurture your relationship over time.
2. Take stock of your spouse’s love for you. Remind yourself that your spouse chose to spend their life with you. Consider the ways in which your spouse has expressed their love and commitment to you. Recall all the ways in which your spouse has expressed their love for you. Reminisce about the times of joy you have spent together, the challenges you have overcome together, the mishaps you have navigated together. Remember the love you share together.
3. Now go to your spouse to talk to them about what has given rise to your dragon of jealousy—your fears, your insecurities, your vulnerabilities. Don’t start the conversation with an accusation. Start with an expression of love. Tell your spouse how important they are to you and how much you love them. This will require you to start from a position of vulnerability, but expressions of love often feel vulnerable. Then describe the situation or trigger that gave rise to your fears.
4. Offer a simple action that you and your spouse can take to help relieve your fear. The action may prove as simple as verbally expressing their love and commitment or sharing a hug or planning a date night. Enjoy that action together and savor the acknowledgement of mutual love.

As you take these steps, your dragon of jealousy will relax. The fires of his anxiety will cool and he will lay his head down to rest in the knowledge that your love and your relationship remain secure.