We all need friends. Even married couples need more friends than just their spouse. Our friends provide support, companionship, and joy. However, we must exercise caution in our friendships, especially when we’re married. If not, the boundaries between friendship and romance may begin to blur and damage our marriages. If not addressed, the friendship may slowly drift into unfaithfulness and cause heartache and regret. Here are some warning signs that your friend (or you) may have drifted into an unhealthy intimacy with a friend. 

• A growing emotional intensity in which you begin to share intimate details of successes or struggles with someone other than your spouse. You may find yourself looking for reasons to have some type of contact with the “other person” and even prioritizing their opinion over your spouse’s. If you recognize any of this in your relationship with a friend, you are crossing a line into become unfaithful. Time to turn back toward your spouse to celebrate your successes and to seek advice for your struggles, to gain a listening ear of comfort and support.
• You begin to keep your interactions with your friend secret from your spouse. This is a warning sign that you need to create emotional space between your friend and yourself. Replace those “secret” contacts with your friend with intentional contact with your spouse. 
• Spending excessive time with your friend. You may find yourself “lingering” at work to spend time with your friend or staying another 5-10 minutes (that suddenly becomes an hour) just “checking in” with them. This robs your spouse of time with you and of the time you and your spouse need to build greater intimacy.
• Your friendly hugs become “a little longer” and your chats a “little more flirtatious.” You may find yourself thinking about physical closeness, a brush against the shoulder or the next hug “good-bye.” If you do, you have crossed into dangerous territory. Time to intentionally step back and limit physical contact.
• You find yourself making comparisons between your friend and your spouse. These comparisons may seem compelling, but they are misleading, an outgrowth of current emotions that blind you to the truth. Take time to remember your first love (your spouse) and all that you adore and admire about them.

These experiences can arise without any intent of unfaithfulness. They may arise in relation to people we spend a great deal of time with, like coworkers or a family friend. Or they may arise if you rekindle a relationship with an “old flame” on-line. But if these feelings arise, it’s time to step back from that person and step toward your spouse. Renew your commitment to your spouse and nurture your relationship with your spouse. In fact, begin nurturing your relationship with your spouse before you even find yourself struggling with the feelings above. How? I’m glad you asked.

• Make it a habit to connect with your spouse every day. In the morning, review your plans for the day. In the evening, review what you experienced throughout the day. In between, touch bases to share news of the day, successes and struggles. Share the emotions you experienced throughout the day.
• Share physical affection every day. Mark transitions—like parting for work, reuniting after work, going to bed, or even just for fun—with a kiss and a hug. Hold hands while you walk through the store or while you watch a movie. Snuggle while you read. Share physical affection.
• Get into rhythm. You don’t have to do everything together to get into rhythm with one another. Two activities that I believe add simple rhythm to a couple’s life are: 1) sharing at least one meal a day together and 2) going to bed together. These two activities will help set you in rhythm with your spouse, providing times for intimacy and a sense of togetherness.
• Set clear boundaries. Set a boundary that you will share with your spouse when you meet with any friend. Keep your social media an “open book,” sharing passwords or even sharing accounts. Check in with one another throughout the day to report on “what’s happening next” or “where I’m heading.” Doing so is an expression of love and respect.
• Introduce your friends to your spouse. Involve your spouse in interactions with your friends and coworkers. You can do this in person or even by sharing with your spouse the things you talk about with your friend. No secrets is a good boundary to have (see bullet above).
• Nurture your relationship with your spouse by sharing gratitude and expressing admiration.

An old saying says that “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” Don’t let this saying fool you. It’s not true, especially in marriage. Instead, realize that the grass is always greener wherever you care for it. So care for the grass on your side of the fence and watch it grow lush.