Discipline presents a challenge for every parent. Sometimes we resort to corporal punishment such as spanking. I hate to tell you, but spanking is not effective. In fact, decades of research suggest that the more a parent utilizes spanking as a disciplinary tool, the higher the rates of aggression, mental health issues, and cognitive difficulties exhibited in their children. Two meta-analyses, one from 2002 and one from 2016, confirmed these findings.  More recently, a study from New York University analyzed 195 studies related to corporal punishment published between 2002 and 2024. This study confirmed that corporal punishment had negative outcomes for low- and middle-income countries as well as wealthier countries. The negative effects transcend wealth. In other words, spanking does not result in a long-term behavioral improvement.

So, what’s a parent to do when trying to promote positive behavior from their children? Let me make a few suggestions.

• Develop a positive, loving relationship with your children. This will require time together and is essential to any effective discipline. It may be the most important ingredient of effective discipline. Spend time engaging in enjoyable activities and conversations with your children. Get to know them—their interests, their strengths, their weaknesses, their friends. Learn all about them. But do more than simply learn about them. Develop a relationship with them. Let them know how much you love and appreciate them. Express your gratitude for their presence in your life. Have fun.
• Give your children your attention. This flows from the first suggestion. However, take it a step further by attending to their positive behaviors. Attention is a powerful motivator for behavior. Whatever behaviors you attend to are more likely to be repeated, positive behaviors or negative behaviors. Acknowledge their positive behaviors. Express gratitude for their positive behaviors. Simply appreciate those behaviors you like to see in your children.
• Ignore negative behaviors. As much as possible, give little to no attention to those behaviors you do not like. Of course, not all negative behavior can be ignored. However, you can pay little to no attention to the minor, irritating behaviors you would like to decrease. Ignore the muttering under their breath as they walk away to do what you would like them to do. Ignore the occasional negative comment. Ignore the unkempt desk in their room. Some behaviors are just worth ignoring.
• Address negative behaviors that cannot be ignored. Address them first verbally. Talk about the behavior and the reasons you deem it inappropriate. Define the limit and boundary surrounding that behavior. Clearly verbalize a reasonable consequence for the behavior. Then, the next time it occurs, enforce the consequence.
• Develop age-appropriate consequences that relate to the offense. Enforce these consequences consistently. These consequences need to relate to the misbehavior as directly as possible. For instance, if your child makes a mess, the relatable consequence is to clean it up, not go to their room while you clean it up. If they won’t get up in the morning for school, the relatable consequence is to go to bed at a reasonable time, a time that will allow them to more easily get up, not for you to nag them until they get up. You get the idea.
• Teach them to recognize the impact of their behavior on others. Our behavior does not occur in a vacuum. It is influenced by others and, in turn, influences others. Help your child to see the impact of their behavior on other people. Encourage them to see how their positive behavior brings peace and joy to the community in which they belong, and how their negative behavior creates sorrow and confusion in others. This is not to make them feel guilty, but to help them grow more aware of the impact of their behavior on others.

There are so many other effective ways to discipline that avoid corporal/physical punishment. A Practical Guide to Better Behaved Children explains many more ways to nurture positive behavior in your children. Practice these methods of discipline and enjoy a growing relationship with your maturing child.