Everyone recognizes that abuse has many negative impacts on a child. But do you realize that abuse comes in different forms? There is physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, and neglect. Neglect occurs when a parent does not provide for a child’s basic necessities, their daily needs for such things as food, shelter, clothing, or hygiene. Each form of abuse has a negative impact on a child and their development. A study published in Child Abuse and Neglect examined how various types of abuse might have impacted a child in one of three areas.

1. Did the abuse contribute to the child’s sociality, their social involvement or social withdrawal? This was measured by having each child list their closest peers at school.
2. Did the abuse contribute to the child’s popularity, whether they were popular with peers or avoided by peers? Their popularity was measured by how many peers listed them as a friend.
3. Did the abuse impact “how tightly cohesive their social connections were”? The cohesion of their social connections was assessed by how much their “friend group” was “scattered across various groups.”

Interestingly, most people in the study who reported abuse reported only one form of it. The results, although not shocking as a whole, did offer nuanced differences between the impact of the various types of abuse…and I thought that somewhat surprising. Consider these differences.

• Sexual abuse predicted social withdrawal. The participants who reported having been sexually abused named fewer friends.
• Emotional and physical abuse predicted less popularity. Those who reported emotional or physical abuse were named less often as friends by their peers.
• Having experienced emotional and physical abuse also predicted a more fragmented peer group, a peer group spread across several peer groups rather than cohesive.
• Neglect, surprisingly, predicted difficulties in all three areas. Participants who reported having experienced neglect were more socially withdrawal, less popular with their peers, and had a more fragmented peer group.

From other studies, we know that those who experience abuse of any kind share some consequences in common. For instance, those who report being a recipient of any type of abuse often experience a sense of shame that lingers into adulthood. They also report a lower self-esteem and a lower sense of belonging. People who experience abuse often tend to exhibit greater difficulty regulating their emotions. They may exhibit increased aggression and fewer prosocial behaviors.

In addition, people who have experienced abuse often develop mistrust in other people, making it difficult to connect to others and to develop a sense of belonging.

Of course, none of us want our children to experience the negative outcomes of abuse. As a result, we want our discipline to flow from an attitude of love and affection, not fear or unresolved trauma of our own. This will help reduce the risk of abuse. What can we do specifically to help prevent abuse?

• Resolve any past trauma you experienced growing up. Many people have experienced their own abuse. Take the time to resolve that trauma, place it in the proper context of the past, and learn more effective ways of loving your children even in the midst of discipline. This will involve not only seeking help for yourself (possibly professional help from a counselor) but also educating yourself about child development and healthy methods of discipline.
• Educate yourself about child development and effective but loving ways to discipline. There are many excellent books about child development and discipline. Go to a bookstore or your local library and find one or two to read each year. Here are some resources that I have found helpful in the past.
• Develop a strong support group of other parents—both those who have children your age and those who have children older than your own. It is nice to have a support group who can validate your experiences as typical while you learn and grow together on our parenting journey.
• Seek the advice of experts. You can listen to podcasts such as Janet Lansbury or read a parenting book (I’m recently reading an excellent one entitled Simplicity Parenting.) You can also seek out counseling from a professional counselor to help learn the skills of an effective parent.
• Discipline thoughtfully. Don’t react to behaviors in anger. Think about your responses before you act. Examine your discipline, your actions, and your words. Do they promote your child’s long-term growth? Do they model what you want your child to learn? If you feel your anger prevents you from making a good choice in the moment, take a break and come back after you calm down.

These five actions can help you raise a healthy child and have a more loving, intimate, and healthy relationship with your child for a lifetime.