I often feel overwhelmed by the constant criticism, contempt, and name-calling I hear in the news. And…I don’t think I’m alone. I hear many others talk about feeling discouraged as they watch this as well. What we hear in news stories is one thing. What I find even more discouraging is how many people come to my office seeking therapy because they live in a home filled with constant assessment, criticism, and harsh demands. They feel as if everything they do is under the “watchful eye” (or should I say “constant surveillance”) of other family members.

They feel as if someone is constantly assessing their every step. Are they maturing at the expected pace? Are they exhibiting the “right” values? Is their questioning a sign of rebellion? Is my spouse looking at other people? Are they doing the chore correctly? Can they complete the chore as well as me in a timely fashion? Are they slipping away? Did they arrive at their destination safely? Are they putting in their full effort or just doing half a job? The assessment is constant. The vigilant surveillance is unending. But it doesn’t end with assessment.

The assessment turns to criticism. The need for continuous quality improvement has crept into our family life. Chores must be done in an ever-improving manner—a more timely, more efficient, more effective manner. Love must be made in a new and improved manner with every “daily assessment” made. Finances must improve. Without sufficient improvement (and there is never sufficient improvement), there is criticism. The criticism may be spoken or not. It may simply be the roll of the eyes as another redoes a chore someone already completed in a manner that they believe insufficient (after all, there is only one “proper way” to load the dishwasher). It is often spoken in harsh tones and demeaning words. Criticism quickly gives way to contempt and to harsh demands to change.

These harsh demands leave no room for individuality or creativity. All must be done in my way, in my time, according to my expertise. The person who receives the criticism and harsh demands will likely begin to internalize these negative messages and, as a result, experience an increase in anger. Anxiety will negate any possibility of joy in doing kind things for others. Their self-confidence will shrink. Their relationships will suffer.

Rather than assess, critique, and demand, make a gracious choice to observe, engage, and discuss. First, observe what other family members do from a position of gratitude and curiosity. From a position of gratitude thank them for their contribution to the maintenance of the household. Thank them for a chore completed, a kindness shown, a request followed.

Second, from a position of curiosity consider the character they exhibit in the actions and interactions you observe. Do you see kindness? An underlying desire to help? A passion to learn? An independent creativity that compels them to try old things in new ways? Be curious. Allow yourself to become a student and learn about your family members.

Engage your family members in action and conversation. You can engage them by joining them in a activities. For instance, join them in completing a chore. Engage them by working together to take out the garbage, clean the bathroom, or cook dinner. You can also engage them in activities such as an enjoyable walk or playing a game. Engage them in conversation, not conversation to criticize but to learn about them and ways in which they think.

You will enjoy the discussion that follows, a discussion in which you can share ideas as well as details about life. You may find that your family members have a mind of their own (they really do). They may not think exactly like you. They may have some different ideas and believe things differently than you. But you will also come to understand those different ideas and beliefs as legitimate, reasonable thoughts—thoughts as valid as your own. You might even learn something…or you might both reach a compromised idea that proves better than either of the ones you held individually. 

I read this over and realize how far short of this ideal I fall. But that’s part of the joy of belonging in a family. We learn and grow together, graciously forgiving shortcomings and supporting one another’s growth. Keep making the gracious choice. Rather than assess, critique, and demand, make the gracious choice to observe, engage, and discuss.