Tag Archive for problem-solve

Count It All Joy When Siblings Fight…

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Sometimes it drives me crazy to hear my kids fighting (btw—my family says that crazy is only a putt away for me, not a drive). At any rate, I hear one daughter yelling at the other and the other daughter forcefully (albeit quietly) stating her case. It is enough to promote loss of hair. But, sibling rivalry really can produce several positive outcomes. That’s right; sibling disagreements, arguments, and competitions are actually good! Of course I am not talking about out and out, drag down, sock ’em in the nose, hair pulling battles. We don’t want anyone getting hurt here. However, disagreements, arguments, and even some verbal sparring can produce positive results for our children. Here are just a few:
     ·         Sibling rivalry provides the opportunity for our children to practice negotiation skills. They learn to make their point in a convincing and effective manner. They learn that one’s tone of voice can lead to more or less cooperation and certain words or phrases can increase or decrease cooperation. Siblings in the midst of an argument can learn that listening strengthens one’s stance for negotiation. Sibling rivalry helps each person learn how to disagree and promote a point in a way that can achieve the best result.

·         Sibling rivalry provides the opportunity to learn about compromise. Through sibling conflict, siblings learn the art of compromise as well has how to show the honor and grace inherent in compromise.

·         Sibling rivalry builds competence in problem-solving, both as an individual and as part of a group. Whether a person learns how to compromise, how to negotiate, or how to make a strong point, problem-solving skills grow stronger. All parties learn to work out their differences and reach some level of resolution, even if that means agreeing to disagree and learning how to do that.

·         Sibling rivalry helps define individual identities. Each child has to find their place in the family–their role, their purpose, their identity. Sibling rivalry helps each child do that.

·         Ironically, sibling rivalry actually helps to build family cohesiveness. As siblings argue and compete, they learn about one another. They learn to appreciate one another’s strengths and abilities. As siblings learn to negotiate and compromise, they come to respect one another and look out for one another’s interests. When siblings learn to share honor and grace even amidst the rivalry, they learn to love one another more deeply. All of this helps to build family cohesiveness and intimacy.
 
Count it all joy when siblings disagree, argue, compete and engage in all sorts of rivalry…well, maybe I’m stretching too far there; but, here are three ways parents can influence sibling rivalry for the best.
     ·         Model healthy rivalry in your own relationships. When you have a disagreement with your spouse, model honor and grace. When you argue with your spouse or a friend, let your children observe how carefully you listen before speaking. Model speech and action during conflict with your children that reveal humility on your part as you work toward resolution.

·         Coach your children in the art of disagreement and rivalry. Offer suggestions on how to phrase things in a more honorable manner. Give hints on how speech can influence resolution. Teach your children how listening can increase our understanding of the other person and the problem, leading to a better compromise.

·         Acknowledge each of your children’s strengths and abilities. Do not compare children with one another. Instead, encourage their different interests and abilities. Let each of your children know that they hold a special value in your eyes, a value based on their specific person. This can help limit their need to compete for your attention or for their place in the family. Instead, each will know they hold a special place already.
 
So, are you ready to ruummmmble? No, just joking. No rumbling please. But, a little bit of sibling rivalry can go a long way in producing mature children, especially when parents model and coach positive conflict skills while acknowledging each child’s individual strengths.
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Planting the Seeds of Confidence in Children

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We want our children to gain confidence as they mature. Confidence allows our children to explore the world around them and find areas of interest. Confidence gives them the ability to bounce back after a rough day or perceived failure. Confidence enhances their social interactions. It gives our children the strength to take advantage of new and exciting opportunities. Confidence helps our children become “all they can be.” So, how can we help boost a healthy confidence in our children?
 
First, we plant the seeds of confidence by:
     ·         Setting reasonable expectations for our children, expectations that match their developmental ability. Maintaining developmentally appropriate expectations assures that our children have the ability to behave in a way that matches our expectation. If we set an expectation that they, due to age or ability, cannot “measure up to,” we have planted a seed of self-doubt and shame rather than confidence. So, plant seeds of confidence by setting reasonable expectations.

·         Allowing our children opportunities to problem-solve. Opportunities to problem-solve can range from deciding which game to play with a friend to discussing how to manage a difficult teacher in school; or which movie to watch with a sibling to figuring out how to pay for car insurance. Discuss and explore options with your children. Offer guidance and suggestions. Ultimately, whenever possible, let them make the choice and experience the consequences of that choice. When you do, confidence is planted.

·         Catching them being good. Look for polite interactions, kind gestures, loving and/or considerate actions, or any other positive behavior in which you see your child engage. Each time you see these positive behaviors, you see a seed of confidence that you can then fertilize. 
 
Second, fertilize the seeds of confidence by:
     ·         Recognizing those positive behaviors. Simply acknowledge that you saw their positive behavior communicates that you value them enough to pay attention. Learning that you value them enough to listen intently and observe the good in their life’s actions builds their confidence.

·         While you are at it, acknowledge their strengths and assets. Help them learn how to use those strengths and assets to overcome difficulties. Teach them that their strengths and personal resources allow them to bounce back after difficulties and find success in spite of any setbacks.

·         Offer genuine praise. Make your praise specific. Let them know that even amidst imperfect effort or failed attempts you can identify and acknowledge something they did well. Perhaps you can praise their effort, the difficulty of the choice they made, or some other specific aspect of their action. Whatever you specific thing you praise will fertilize those seeds of confidence.
 
Third, kill the little pests that contaminate the seeds of confidence and ravage the fruit of confidence. Pests that need to be killed include:
     ·         Lecturing. Lecturing is as sly as a fox. We may think that lecturing gets our point across but it does not; our children just quit listening. As a result, lecturing robs our children of the opportunity to make decisions and learn from their decisions. It builds a wall between us and them. It crushes the seed of confidence by subtly communicating that we have little confidence in their ability to learn from mistakes. So, stop lecturing to nurture the seed of confidence.

·         Focusing on what they do wrong rather than noticing what they do right. Giving all our attention to what they do wrong creates self-doubt. When they put all the silverware, plates, glasses, and napkins on the table for dinner, we can acknowledge what they did well or focus on the missing serving spoon. When they bring home a report card with 6 A’s and a B, we can acknowledge the A’s or “harp on” the B. Don’t get me wrong. We still promote improving behavior and correct misbehavior, even address that single B. However, if we only focus on what is wrong or incomplete, we send the message that they are never “good enough;” that no matter how hard they try, they can never please us. That will kill confidence.

·         Attributing problems to character flaws. Saying a messy room is a result of your child being a “slob.” Or, not doing their homework reflects a “lazy child.” Such name-calling and contempt will ravage confidence.
 
To promote confidence in your child, plant the seeds of confidence, fertilize those seeds of confidence, and kill the little pests that ravage confidence. Happy confidence gardening.
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2 Parenting Essentials

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To state the obvious, parents play a crucial role in their children’s lives. They serve their children as teachers, chefs, administrative assistants, launderer, house cleaner, transportation manager, moral conscience, landscaper, mentor, and trainer of all these areas as well. I’m sure we could add to this list of parenting jobs. However, we can reduce many parenting roles into two jobs: meeting our children’s needs and allowing them to take risks. Let me explain a little more.


Parents strive to meet their children’s every need—physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Notice, though, that parents meet their children’s needs, not their every want and desire. For example, these items are wants and desires, not needs (children can live without them):
·         A cell phone
·         A TV in the bedroom
·         The most recent fad in tennis shoes, hairstyles, or clothing
·         A Nintendo 3DS, Nintendo DS, Gameboy, or any other hand-held gaming device
·         An Xbox, Wii, or other TV game device
·         Their favorite snack everyday
·         Rides everywhere and unearned cash in their pockets
·         To be constantly entertained
 
What does a child need? Children need parents to provide for their physical needs like food, shelter, and clothing. Parents may have to work long hours to provide for these physical needs; and, they probably spend many hours maintaining the home, shopping for food and clothes, repairing clothes, washing clothes, preparing food, and storing food. But, parents do not stop there. They also provide for their children’s emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. They invest in making a strong emotional connection with their children by spending time with them, playing with them, enjoying activities together, talking with them, etc. They also become a student of their children—learning about their interests, sensitivities, fears, and dreams. By learning about their children, parents build a stronger relationship with them. They also gain the knowledge necessary to effectively teach and discipline their children. This knowledge allows a parent to guide their children in values and beliefs that promote a healthy lifestyle. And, children respond best to discipline from a parent who knows them, has invested time in them, and has developed a strong relationship with them. Meeting our children’s needs builds trust, relationship, and security.
 
Parents also allow their children to take risks. When children have parents who meet their needs, they are free to explore the world around them. They trust that their parents will protect them. They have a sense that the world is a safe place. They want to explore and learn more about their world. Sometimes this exploration will create risk—risks like crossing the street for the first time, driving across the state alone, climbing up one branch higher in the tree, or deciding whether to study abroad for a semester in college. Sometimes, parents rush to protect their children from the possible threat or harm of exploration and risk. In this rush to protect, parents prevent exploration. By discouraging exploration and risk, they nurture fear and timidity. They rob their children of the opportunity to learn from their decisions and the consequences of those decisions. They stunt their children’s growing ability to make thinking ahead to consider the consequences, problem-solve, and make wise choices. They encourage children who “play it safe” rather than children who “step out in faith” and “enjoy the adventure.” 
 
Parents who encourage curious exploration and risk, on the other hand, nurture children who think ahead, consider the consequences of their actions, make better decisions, and practice effective problem-solving skills. These children become more mature, have a healthy sense of independence, and a greater willingness to seek out help when needed. So, go ahead…take the risk of letting your children take a risk.
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Lets Hear It For Dad!

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If you were to judge fatherhood by watching sitcoms, you might think fathers are easily replaced. Sitcoms present fathers as having a self-absorbed teenage mentality of fun and games, unable to make a mature choice for their family. They are “bumbling ninnies” acquiescing to their wives because they have no idea how to help their family, men who embarrass their children and frustrate their wives. However, research paints a very different picture of fathers, one that reveals the positive contributions that fathers make to family life. Let me share just a few highlights.
·         Fathers provide confidence. When fathers remain actively involved in family life, especially with their children, they provide a mother with greater confidence in her ability to parent. That’s right, rather than leading to frustrated mothers, hands-on fathers contribute to a mother’s confidence in her own ability to parent. Fathers not only contribute to a mother’s confidence, they contribute to their children’s confidence as well. Fathers provide children with the confidence to step out into the world away from home–the world of work, social interaction, and school. Children who have the support of an active father respond more confidently to complex, novel situations and exhibit more confidence in exploring the world beyond their immediate home.
·         Fathers are playful adventurers who provide hands-on, rough and tumble play. They playfully wrestle, tickle, run, throw, and push their children in a very different way than a mother. They teach their children a playful curiosity as they talk about those topics mom would rather not hear. In the midst of this play, fathers teach their children self-control. They teach them to calm upsetting emotions and manage anger in constructive ways. They teach them that losing and winning demand decorum and sportsmanship. This self-control extends from play to life as fathers encourage their children to stretch their limits by engaging in activities outside of their comfort zone. They support their children in these endeavors. Each time their child accomplishes some difficult task, a father proudly acknowledges the accomplishment. The playful adventurer in each father teaches their child self-control that leads to less impulsivity and greater empathy for others. Father’s also provide playful adventures that lead to a child’s willingness to try new things, better tolerate stress and frustration, and exhibit greater resilience in stressful situations.
·         Fathers are problem-solvers as well. Let’s face it—men like solutions. They teach those problem-solving skills to their children. Father’s encourage children to persist in the face of difficulties, finding solutions and answers. They support their children in seeking solutions to problems. This can lead to better attitudes about school, stronger educational achievement, and greater career success as well as a better ability to tolerate stress and frustration.
·         Fathers provide loving limits. Loving limits provide a sense of security in a child’s life. Loving limits provide a child with a sense of security. Children who have a father that maintains loving limits develop greater empathy for others. They also learn how to assert themselves in a healthy way. Loving limits eventually become internalized to provide a sense of personal control that allows for responsible action. A father’s loving limits provides a child with security, personal control, empathy, and a healthy sense of personal boundaries.  
 
Sitcoms may portray fathers as “bumbling ninnies,” but life calls fathers to become supportive, playful adventurers who provide loving limits, security, and problem-solving skills. Fathers are not a simple accessory that is nice to have; they are an asset…a necessity. Every child deserves one…every child needs one. So, let’s hear it for Dad!
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The Lost Art of Family Meals

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“Life is a highway” and we seem to live in the fast lane. Everybody’s running. Children have sports, music, social groups, and church. Parents run their children to various activities while trying to fit in their own recreational activities, long work hours, commute times, and house work. Life is definitely a rush. In the midst of all this rush, family members grab meals on the run. However, research has shown that eating meals as a family has many benefits. “One of the simplest and most effective ways for parents to be engaged in their teens’ lives is by having frequent family dinners,” says Joseph Califano Jr., chairman and president of The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASA). Even teens believe that family meals keep families close. In a CASA study, 47% of teens reported that during or after dinner was the best time to talk about matters of importance to them or the family. Dinner time becomes a great time to talk. Eating frequent family meals also makes it more likely that your child will come to you when he experiences a difficulty in his life. The family meal then provides the forum to have a discussion about whatever difficulty they experience and it lays a relational foundation for that discussion. In other words, if you’d like to maintain a close relationship with your children, plan to eat together as a family.
 
“But wait…there’s more!” Engaging your children leads to many other benefits as well. In fact, children who eat at least 5 meals a week with their family exhibit significantly less drug and alcohol use. They smoke cigarettes less often. They eat a healthier diet and exhibit less incidence of obesity. Children who eat frequent family meals even earn higher grades in school. Girls who eat with their family on a regular basis have fewer incidences of eating disorders.
 
Moreover, eating as a family provides opportunities to teach polite manners and etiquette. Families have opportunities to discuss family values as well as daily events like school, friends, and activities. Children receive their parents’ undivided attention and parents learn about their children’s lives. We have had some of our best discussion over the dinner table…whether those discussions were about friends at school, dreams of the future, or sex, they all occurred over supper and dessert. All in all, family meals offer a wonderful way to honor our families. 
 
How do you create a successful family meal? Here are five suggestions.
1.      Turn off the TV and sit around the table. You do not want the TV distracting you from one another. So, turn it off and enjoy one another’s company.
2.      Make the family meal enjoyable. Enjoy simple conversation. Show an interest in other family members. Ask them about their day. Tell some jokes.
3.      Model polite manners and etiquette. Ask for family members to pass the food; don’t just stretch across the table to get it. Listen before you respond rather than talking over one another. Say “please” and “thank you” when appropriate.
4.      Surprise everyone now and again by eating breakfast for supper or pizza for breakfast. Eat your dessert first and then have your meal. Make the family meal a picnic or a buffet. Cook someone’s favorite dish for their birthday or other special occasion. Whatever you choose, be creative and offer a surprise now and again.
5.      Avoid “hot topics” during meal time. If a disagreement arises or you know a certain topic will create tension, arrange a time to meet and discuss that topic after dinner, away from the table. Keep the dinner table associated with fun and connection.
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