Did you know ANTs will fuel your dragon of jealousy? I don’t mean the little six-legged insects that build ant hills in your yard.  I’m talking about Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs). It’s true. Jealousy will lie dormant, a good little dragon sitting by the door of your relationship fanning the flames of your love ever stronger, until ANTs start to crawl on it. Maybe it’s an ANT named mindreading, catastrophizing, or comparison. Or maybe the ANT has tunnel vision. Whatever it is, the ANT begins to fuel your dragon’s irrational thoughts and threaten your relationship. Let me share an example.

You and your spouse are at a social gathering, your dragon calmly relaxing as you mingle among the crowd. Suddenly, a negative thought (an ANT) pops up and whispers in your dragon’s ear, “That guy has nice hair. He’s dressed better than me, too. I wish I had hair and clothes like that. Dressed for success.” The ANT named comparison has spoken and put you on the negative side of the comparison. The well-groomed man walks up to your spouse and starts to talk with her. Another ANT, mind reading, speaks to your dragon. “Hey, he’s talking to your spouse. I don’t like the way he’s looking at her. Wait…is she looking back in the same way? I bet she finds that guy attractive.” Rather than simply trusting in your spouse’s faithful love for you, another ANT (catastrophizer) pipes up, “She probably likes him. Probably more than she likes you.” “Better watch out, she might steal him from you,” the ANT fortune teller adds. 

The ANTs have now thrown in comparisons, mindreading, catastrophizing, and fortune telling to rouse the insecurity of your dragon of jealousy. But the ANTs don’t stop now. They keep on talking, ignoring the positive observations and focusing only on negative imaginations (the work of an ANT named tunnel vision) that fuel the dragon’s fears. They keep crawling all over your dragon, feeding it with negative thoughts based on comparisons that make him appear better than you, mind reading that ignores any factual knowledge, tunnel vision that avoids anything positive, catastrophizing to turn moles hills into mountains, and telling a negative future that has no evidence to support it.

Is it any wonder your dragon of jealousy starts getting agitated as you walk over to join your spouse? You think you sound calm, but she senses anger in your voice. Your words are a little too sharp. Your voice slightly too loud and staccato. In response, your spouse is confused and a little embarrassed. The ANTs have roused your dragon of jealousy and your relationship suffers.

To prevent this from happening, you must manage the ANTs. You need to overcome the ANTs and keep them from fueling your dragon. To do this:

• Recognize the thoughts “running around” in your head. Pay attention to your thoughts. Think about how you think. What are you saying to yourself? Listen to the thoughts that run through your mind. Pay attention to the script of statements about yourself, others, and the world that arise in your thoughts. Acknowledge thoughts when they arrive. Not all of them are ANTs, but some might be. Some will arouse negative feelings and more negative thoughts in your mind. Once you can hear the script that plays in your mind, write down some of the thoughts that repeat. 
• Identify the ANTs that fuel your dragon of jealousy. Once you’ve written down your thoughts, identify the ANTs, the automatic negative thoughts, among them. They may be hiding quietly in your thoughts, so search diligently. Don’t just believe everything you say to yourself. Test your thoughts instead. You’ll find some ANTs like mindreading—how do you know the other person really thinks what you imagine them to think? How do you know how they feel? Or catastrophizing—you’ve turned a mole hill into a mountain, a look has become a passionate display of love, a conversation has become a plot against you. Or assumptions for which you really don’t know what is true. Or comparisons. Once you’ve identified the ANTs…
• Challenge the ANTs. Consider other options or explanations. Check out the objective evidence. Rather than mindreading, ask for clarification. Rather than catastrophizing, consider what is actually happening. Rather than making comparisons, acknowledge we all have our strengths and weaknesses and strive to become your best. Instead of believing your assumptions, ask questions to clarify and consider what other possible theories explain the situation. 
• Replace the ANTs with more rational, balanced thoughts. Write these rational, balanced thoughts down. If your ANT speaks of “always” or “never,” rewrite it with “sometimes.” Change your ANTs’ negative comparisons and change them to gratitude for the strengths you and the other person possess.
• Practice replacing the ANTs with the new more rational, balanced thoughts every time they arise. ANTs don’t just disappear. You need to practice replacing them with new, more rational thoughts. Practice each day and watch your thoughts change for the better.

As you practice these five steps, you will find your dragon of jealousy relaxing and moving back to his spot near the door where he can think of creative, healthy ways to fan the flames of love for your spouse.