We’ve all done things in life for which we are sorry, things we regret and for which we need to forgive ourselves. Unfortunately, it can prove challenging to forgive ourselves. One researcher describes self-forgiveness as “the process of understanding our failure or wrongdoing and its impact, and taking that seriously, while also being able to move forward and release ourselves from a sense of self-condemnation.” That’s the challenge, isn’t it? But, forgiving ourselves can benefit our families as well as ourselves.

In one online study, researchers examined how people forgave themselves, what interfered with self-forgiveness, and the impact of self-forgiveness (or the lack of self-forgiveness) on the participants’ lives. They discovered that those who struggled with self-forgiveness “felt trapped in the past.” They ruminated about the past event, replaying it in their mind, re-experiencing the event and the emotions it evoked. As a result, they lived with guilt that interfered with their relationships, work, and self-esteem. They often felt like they didn’t feel they deserved self-forgiveness because the mistake or wrongdoing could not “be undone” and seemed so “incompatible” with who they believed themselves to be. As a result, their relationships suffered, especially their relationships with those they felt they had offended.

On the other hand, those who forgave themselves were honest about their mistakes. They did not minimize or hide from their mistake or wrongdoing. They accepted accountability for their offense. But, at the same time, they did not let the mistake define them. Instead, they practiced self-compassion, recognizing their imperfection reflects their humanity. This required them to let go of perfectionistic ideals about themselves and others and to accept their humanity. In additional, rather than suppressing or avoiding the pain of their mistake, they “worked through it,” processing the emotions through journaling, mindfulness, or talking with a friend, pastor, or therapist. In processing their offense and the pain it caused, they clarified their priorities and values. As a result, they could recommit to those values and strive to live them out as they moved forward. In other words, self-forgiveness did not involve suppression, avoidance, or forgetting. Instead, self-forgiveness requires a person to pay attention to and process the wrong committed as well as the related emotions and choose self-compassion in order to recommit to personal values.

If you struggle with self-forgiveness, consider this process carefully. Take the time to talk with a friend, a pastor, or therapist about self-forgiveness. Doing so will allow you to live a healthier, happier life. Even more, it will allow you to grow more intimate with your family, your friends, and yourself.