I just picked up my car from the garage. My brakes needed repaired and my oil changed. We take our car in all the time for repairs, don’t we? I needed my brakes repaired to avoid having an accident in the future. The oil change lengthens the life of my car. It’s essential; and, generally speaking, we’re willing to pay a significant price to make sure our car is in “tip-top” shape, safe on the road, and lasting as long as possible. Maybe our marriages would benefit from the same willingness to make repairs. Let me explain.

Mistakes happen in our marriages. We say things that are hurtful. We don’t respond at times when our spouse needs us. We miss a cue, a need, or an opportunity to meet our spouse’s need and connect. Trust levels are bruised or even damaged. Hurt feelings overwhelm. It happens. It can be as simple as not responding to our spouse at a pivotal moment because we’re preoccupied with our chores. Nonetheless, the relationship is damaged. The longevity of our marriage is at risk. The security of our relationship is called into question. Our marriage is not in “tip-top” shape. It’s time for a repair.

Fortunately, we can make many repairs at home, especially if we keep up with them as they arise. One of the best ways to make a repair is with the use of Gottman’s “Repair Statements”. Repair statements are “any statement or action that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.” The most important aspect is that they keep negativity from escalating. Repair statements “de-escalate” negative feelings, calm anger, reassure love, offer connection. Ironically, repair statements can be silly or serious.

In the midst of an argument in which emotions are escalating, different couples might insert different “repair statements.”

• One couple might use humor by bringing up a related, but funny experience that brought them closer in the past. “Remember when we went camping and fought about the tent? That was a great vacation after we got the tent up.”
• Another couple may seek to calm things down by asking for a “time out” and offering to return to the conversation after a period of calming. “Honey, can we take a break to calm down? Let’s get together in an hour, have a cup of tea and talk about this after we’ve calmed down.”
• Another couple may reassure one another of their love. “I know things are heated right now, but I love you.”
• Still other couples might request some show of physical affection to help calm negative emotions during conflict. They might reach out to hold hands or offer a hug.

Really the possibilities are limitless. That’s part of the beauty of repair statements. They are limited only by the creativity of you and your spouse. Another beauty of repair statements…if we practice them regularly, they become easier to make. In fact, you’ll find yourself making them before you even realize it. Most importantly, with each repair statement, you not only repair your relationship, but you also strengthen it. You confirm your desire for a healthy, safe, and lifelong marriage. You keep your marriage in “tip-top” shape.