As children, we went to school to learn the “3 R’s”—reading, writing, and arithmetic. (It always bothered me that the “3 R’s” didn’t all begin with R and yet we used the “3 R’s” to describe our education. Seems ironic…but that’s another story.) Well, if you want a healthy marriage, a lifelong love, you need to learn the “2 R’s;” and yes, they do begin with “R.”

• Responsiveness. The first R is for Responsiveness. In healthy relationships, each partner is responsive to the other. They turn toward one another rather than away from one another. They remain available to their partner and emotionally engaged with their partner. A responsive partner is not only aware of their partner’s presence, but they are emotionally available to their partner. It is easy to become preoccupied with chores, housework, phones, TV, or outside activities and, as a result, lose connection with our spouses. We become unresponsive. They enter the room and make a comment only to find that we ignore them because we are preoccupied with our phone, a videogame, or some chore. We turn away from our spouse rather than toward them. A responsive spouse puts down the phone, mutes the TV, and pauses the game to fully engage with their spouse. In doing so, they answer the unspoken question of “Are you available to me?” in the affirmative. They communicate their availability by giving their spouse their full attention and emotionally engaging with them. They communicate their desire to remain in intimate relationship with them.
• Repair. The second R is for Repair. No matter how hard we try, we will not remain responsive 100% of the time. We will become preoccupied at times. We will not want to respond at times. We will miss an invitation to respond. When that happens, we cause a breach in the relationship. We disconnect. This lack of response and disconnection often leads to conflict. A necessary ingredient in repairing the breach and resolving the conflict is Repair. Repair helps us resolve the conflict and reconnect. It may involve an apology. At other times, it may simply be an acknowledgement that we got out-of-sync, disconnected, and that we desire to reconnect. We voice our desire to reconnect, we express our apology, and we invest in emotionally reconnecting with our spouse. Research on couples has shown that how we repair after a disconnection and how well we resolve conflict through repair is more important to the health of a relationship than the amount of conflict itself. So, instead of defending yourself when conflicts arise, move toward reconnection. Apologize. Repair the relationship.

Now you know the 2 R’s of a healthy, lifelong love—responsiveness and repair. If you doubt the power of these 2 R’s, take this challenge. (In fact, even if you do not doubt their power, take this challenge.) For the next two weeks (since we’re dealing with 2’s) make a concerted effort to remain responsive to your spouse. Be aware of any instances in which your responsiveness is blocked by outside sources—like the TV, phone, hobby, or chores—and strive to not let these interfere with your emotional, invested responsiveness. Anytime you realize that you missed an opportunity to practice responsiveness, make a repair. Offer an apology, make yourself available, and reconnect. You’ll be amazed at how your relationship grows.