Criticism, neglect, or harsh treatment from our caregivers can have a lasting impact on our sense of well-being and even our quality of life as we mature. The memories of these events can haunt us well into adulthood, impacting how we think about ourselves and the world and contributing to a lower sense of worth and value. If you are a parent, let this realization motivate you to approach your children in love. Offer constructive instruction rather than criticism. Enjoy their success and effort without adding a “but….” Acknowledge all they learned to bet the “B” rather than criticize them for not getting an “A.” Make the time to spend with your children. Have fun, play, talk. Respond to their needs and their requests, even if you have to say “no” to some requests. And learn to parent in love. (If you’re looking for help in doing this, consider A Practical Guide to Better Behaved Children). When you do, you will save your children from the pain that comes from excessive criticism, neglect, and harsh parenting.

If, however, you are a parent who experienced criticism, neglect, and harsh parenting as a child, I have good news. Your imagination can help you overcome the pain of that experience. In fact, research published in Frontiers in Psychology suggests one way to use imagination to overcome the impact of negative childhood experiences. This study randomly assigned 180 young adult volunteers between the age of 18 and 35 years of age in “four therapy sessions during which they worked with painful childhood memories related to criticism.” Specifically, the participants would recall the negative memory and then modify the memory by imagining a “defender” (such as the therapist, their adult self, or another adult) entering the scene to confront the critic and support them as a child.

Adding the “defender” to the imagined memory led to “significant and lasting reductions” in fear of failure, sadness, and guilt. In addition, the intense stress aroused by recalling the memory of the criticism decreased as well.

So, if you struggle with memories of criticism, neglect, or harsh treatment, try this. Recall a memory that exemplifies the criticism, neglect, or harsh treatment you received. Cast the “movie” of that memory onto an imaginary screen in front of you. Then, before it becomes too emotionally intense, add a “defender” into the scene. Imagine the defender confidently walking to the side of your younger self. Imagine them calmly but firmly confronting your critic and protecting you from their criticism. Let the “defender” remind you that you survived and matured, growing into a competent, loving adult. You may even “walk out” of the memory with your defender.

Complete this exercise two times a day over the next week…and enjoy the decrease in sadness and stress as well as the decreased fear of failure.  And, as an added bonus, notice how it improves your relationship with your family.